LETTERS FROM THE AGNO

What is a Philippine election?
by March L.Fianza

This week’s article contains questions with answers that was sent via e-mail by my friend Rene Aguinaldo, a retired engineer who is now based in Canada . His article was slightly edited with a few additions. We urge our readers to please have the freedom to edit the same, add more data that they know of and e-mail the article to others including me.

It all begins when the country's brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, gettogether and examine the country's problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects.

What happens next? They decide to emigrate. And after that? Another group of bright people get together. What do they do? They also emigrate and so on and so forth. What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election? When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with? Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids? Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? Boxing Champs? You're now ready to hold a Philippine election.

How important are elected officials to the Philippines ? Nobody's been able to figure out an answer to that one. What's at stake in a Philippine election? Prizes and surprises! Jueteng money in millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That's from the politician's point of view

How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections? About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves. So it's like lotto? Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life. Who are qualified to run?Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who's alive, of a certain age, good and bad character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.

What kind of candidates has the most chances of winning? Artists who have the confidence of the people. You mean a con artist? Don't you? You said it, we didn't. Who are qualified to vote? Those willing to be bussed around and go a hard day's work visiting a lot of precincts during election day.

Talk about parties in the Philippines . Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines .No, political parties. Oh!. Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are more than a dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas. What's the difference between the two parties? Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any.

Explain what a presidential election is all about. Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent, the idiot and the cheater? No, is that a joke?That's the presidential election. You're a cynical bastard, aren't you? No, no, no, I’m not running for office.

Why are there so many international observers who come to a Philippine election?They're fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany it. What are you talking about? Miracles are a dime a dozen during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders. Voting results are reported even in areas where no voting occurred.

Why is the Church so closely involved in elections? They're also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who were killed. Philippine elections sound like they're really violent and bloody. Oh, not really! Only more than a hundred die on the average.

Why that's only a teensy fraction of the population! And the police say that the election is “generally peaceful.” After all, most victims belong to the opposition. Finally, everything blows over after election day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts.

How clean are Philippine elections? Let’s put it this way: if Philippine elections were your house, you wouldn't want to live in it. What are guns, goons and gold? These are the three traditional important elements of a successful election. There's a new one: film credits.

How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious? Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by. Ballot boxes are dosed with gasoline and burned including the teachers who help in the elections. Schools where the voting takes place are burned, too.

Can't the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop tocrooked elections? You really ARE from another planet, aren't you? – marchfianza777@yahoo.com