Balitang Kutsero

PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz

My friend Fido predicted that the world will come to an end on December 23, 2012. I told him, “No way! I bet you pay me $500 if it doesn’t happen and I pay you double --$1,000 -- if it happens.” He thought for a while and then said, “But how will I collect my $1,000 if I win?” “Well,” I said, “I’ll have St. Peter send the money to you in Hell.”

Talking about Hell…

Former president Ferdinand Marcos, who’s been in Hell for 20 years now, was surprised when he heard that Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was in Heaven. Marcos asked Satan, “How come Gloria is in Heaven when she was more corrupt than I?” Satan replied, “I’ll ask St. Peter.” A few minutes later, Satan told Marcos, “Well, St. Peter told me that Gloria made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.” “Oh? What kind of offer?” asked Marcos. Satan said, “The offer was for Gloria to step down from the presidency and he would allow her to enter Heaven. But don’t worry, St. Peter assigned her permanently to cleaning up the latrines.”

Francis “Chiz” Escudero, the kid who wants to be president, said that if he’s elected president, he would rule like Lee Kuan Yew in fighting corruption. Omigosh, here we go again! Didn’t Marcos promise the same thing when he declared martial law? And he imprisoned everyone that he suspected of corruption… except his cronies.

Chiz said the other day, “Many are claiming that I’m GMA’s (Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s) secret candidate, but if it’s secret, why is it that all of you know about it?” Well, isn’t that how a secret works, it spreads until everybody knows about it… except you. My investigative reporter, James Macaquecquec, reported that he heard from the grapevine that Chiz is Gloria’s “secret candidate” for prez. No wonder Gloria has been saying lately that her payborit snack is cheeze.

A Manila columnist said of Chiz and Gibo Teodoro: “Two young men in a hurry to become president, but without any solid accomplishment to their credit, without any clear idea of what they would do if and when they got there.” Nothing is wrong with that. Most of the presidents before them had the vaguest idea of what they would do when they got there… except to enrich themselves.

Gibo recently remarked that he’ll not gamble in running for prez with no party backing him up. Can’t blame him. But at least he has foresight -- he saw the handwriting on the wall early on. Now, he can concentrate on fighting the Abu Sayyaf terrorists, Muslim separatists, and communists insurgents. Meanwhile, Gloria can now concentrate in looking for someone she’ll anoint as her “manok”… say, Chiz.

It was reported in the news that Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez will investigate the lavish dinner by Gloria and her entourage at the posh French restaurant Le Cirque in New York. Has she gone bananas? And she wants Gloria to appoint her to the Supreme Court? Ha ha ha…
A question was asked in Philstar.com: “What scenario do you see for the country if PGMA steps down and peacefully turns over the reins of power to her successor in 2010?” My answer is, “Heavenly.”

News Item: “A congressional bicameral conference committee approved the anti-torture bill and Sen. Nene Pimentel said the government can use Manny Pacquiao to end the fighting in Mindanao.” Yeah, Manny will be the new Rambo, or better… Rambito. He’s going to turn Mindanao into a bloody hell! Pac ‘em, Rambito!

“And why is Ronnie Puno now clad in yellow?” asked a Manila columnist. I’d say that Ronnie is a man of many colors. He wore a mustard yellow shirt when Cory passed away, he wore red while working under Gloria, and he was one of Imelda Marcos’s “blue ladies.” Attagirl, Ronnie!

Good news: Commission on Elections chair Jose Melo ordered the agency’s second division to finish the recount of votes of Pampanga Governor Ed Panlilio and rival Lilia Pineda by middle of September. Bad news: Pineda is going to win by a landslide. The “dagdag-bawas” (add-subtract) system never fails. Why do you think Gloria is still president?

News report said that Malacañang would submit a report card to the U.S. agency Millennium Challenge Corp. on the gains it has made in rooting out corruption. A Manila columnist asked, “What ‘gains’ in fighting corruption is the Palace talking about?

How could there be gains in the fight against corruption when the corrupt people are in the Palace?” Gloria would say anything, whether it’s true or not, just to get money from Uncle Sam.

And Americans are complaining that Prez Obama is going to raise taxes!

Obama is under siege from three groups of Republicans. The “birthers” want him out cuz they claim that Obama was born in Kenya. The “deathers” claim that his health insurance reform would force euthanasia on old people. The “birthers” and “deathers” are dead wrong but another group, the Born-Again Christians, wants health insurance from conception to resurrection.

Poor Obama, at the rate these things are going, he might just call it quits and join Sarah Palin’s Quitters Anonymous. But he should be careful, Sarah is the “Queen of the Deathers.”

Bad News: A news report says of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, “Instead of being at the capitol to offer critical leadership and help broker an agreement, Sanford was off in Bermuda enjoying a yacht race.

And as the state’s unemployment rate began to rise to one of the worst in the nation, where was Gov. Sanford? On a statewide bicycle ride. And recently we learned about pleasure trips to China, Tibet, Nepal, India, Thailand, Hong Kong and Uruguay from the e-mail exchanges with his Argentine mistress.” Mark Sanford and Gloria Arroyo should get together and plan their future junkets jointly. That would save some money for the Pinoys as well as the South Carolinians.