PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz
Not long after his victory over Shane Mosley, world boxing champion and congressman Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao paid a courtesy call to President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III at Malacañang. Their meeting went as follows:
P-Noy: Congratulations on your victory, my friend!
Pacman: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m here to pay you a curiosity call.
P-Noy: Huh? Curiosity call? Oh, you mean courtesy call. Right?
Pacman: Same thing, same thing, Mr. President.
P-Noy: Just, call me P-Noy. I’m glad you came to pay me a courtesy call, my friend.
Pacman: Well, it was my bitter half who suggested that I come, Peenoy. How much does a courtesy call cost me? With my P1 billion in winnings I can afford to pay the price of a courtesy call. He he he…
P-Noy: Oh, no! For you, it’s free! Ha ha ha…. Hey, I like your sense of humor.
Pacman: I’m not kidding, Peenoy. I’m serious! Anyway, thanks for not charging me.
P-Noy: You’re welcome, Manny. By the way, how’s your lovely wife?
Pacman: She went to Rome with Paris Hilton.
P-Noy: And you didn’t go? You’re missing a lot of fun!
Pacman: I wanted to go but I don’t know how to act as Roman.
P-Noy: How’s that?
Pacman: As they say, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Well, since I don’t know what they do in Rome I’d rather not go. Although, I really like to go to Rome to pay a courtesy call to the Pope.
P-Noy: It’s not going to be free, my friend.
Pacman: That’s okey, I can afford to pay the Pope. He he he… I just want to tell him how I feel about making babies.
P-Noy: Huh? Making babies? You mean, family planning. Right?
Pacman: Same thing, same thing. It’s all about planning to make babies, correct?
P-Noy: Well, it’s more complicated than that. I just want you to be aware that I’m in favor of the Reproductive Health bill, which aims to provide natural and artificial contraceptive methods for couples to plan the number of their children. Where do you stand on the RH bill, my friend?
Pacman: I’m against the RH bill, Peenoy! Just to let you know how committed I am in opposing the RH bill I told my wife to stop taking birth control pills.
P-Noy: I’m impressed. You now have four children, right? Do you want to have more babies?
Pacman: What’s wrong with having more babies? Heck, I can afford to raise 20 children! How about you, how many do you have?
P-Noy: I have no kids of my own right now cuz… ah… well, you know, I’m married to Filipinas. I have 94 million children to take care of.
Pacman: Huh? You said during your inauguration that the 94 million Pinoys are your bosses! Now, you’re saying that you’re their father? It doesn’t compute, Peenoy!
P-Noy: It’s more complicated than that. Let me explain…
Pacman: No, no! It’s very simple. God said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” There’s enough space on Earth for another 50 billion people!
P-Noy: I’m not sure about that. But there’s got to be a way of planning the size of a family, right?
Pacman: As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one way to plan a family without committing a sin. When a married couple has already reached the number of children they want, they should practice cebilacy.
P-Noy: Cebilacy? What the heck is cebilacy?
Pacman: It’s just like what priests do. You know, no sex.
P-Noy: Oh, you mean, celibacy! Ha ha ha… Cebilacy. That’s funny… ha ha ha…
Pacman: Hoy, Peenoy! Are you making fun of me?
P-Noy: Listen, my friend, there’s a better way to plan a family and still have sex.
Pacman: Oh, really? I hope you’re not suggesting to condomize cuz using condom is also a sin. That’s artificial contraband.
P-Noy: Huh? Contraband? Or do you mean, contraception?
Pacman: Same thing, same thing.
P-Noy: I’m not thinking of condoms. Manny. I’m thinking of vasectomy. It’s better than… how’d you say it again? Cebilacy… right? Ha ha ha….
Pacman: Vasec… Hmm… I heard that word before. That’s the same as “capon,” which is what they do to fighting cocks. No way, Peenoy! I don’t want to be caponized! I’d lose my manhood!
P-Noy: Hey, if cebilacy is what you like, so be it. As long as you and your wife are happy, that’s all that matters. Okay, my friend?
Pacman: Okay, Peenoy. By the way, can you be the godfather to my fifth child?
P-Noy: You’ve got another one on the way already? Hey, that’s great! You really are a pound-for-pound champion – vertical as well as horizontal. Ha ha ha… You’re good, kumpadre!
Pacman: Since you’re going to be my kumpadre, I’ll tell you a secret – no cebilacy for me for the next 20 years. He he he….
P-Noy: Twenty years? That’s at least 10 more babies, kumpadre!
Pacman: Yup! And you’d better catch up, kumpadre.
P-Noy: Okay, okay! You convinced me, kumpadre. I’m all for cebilacy now, no babies for me.
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)
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