Kiangan jokes

BEHIND THE SCENES

Alfred P. Dizon

Credit it to the monkeys of this Banana Country for making jokes out of adversities and multi-million scams which affect us.

This maybe our defense mechanism for coping with the times while our officials entertain us with their antics. 

The government is saying the economy is good but everything is going up except for the tool of a friend I know who complains he can’t get it up especially when he is stressed and now he is worried his wife would file for annulment of their marriage.

***

There was this text message in the not so distant past. “Did u know dat d original sexbombs came from Bontoc? Der were 6 of dem. But when dey wer asked to sing they went: Lafan, Lafan, Fawi, Fawi. So d directr of d show told dem to go home as dey had short tangs.” (The Sex Bombs were then a regular feature in a noontime TV show wherein they played a game called Laban, Laban, Bawi, Bawi)
           Anyway, for those who don’t get the joke, in the Bontoc dialect, the B is usually substituted with an F and vice versa. What may be funny to some maybe dangerous to others, especially when you are talking about a government deal gone haywire.

***

Anyway, I’m reminded of a story in high school. This was during Martial Law and a delegation from a barangay of Sagada called Aguid went to Malacanang to perform a cultural number.

At the top of their voices, they sang the Bagong Lipunan song: “May gagong silang, may gago ang lahat, gagong gangsa, gagong galaw, sa gagong lipunan, nag gagago ang lahat, tungo sa pag-unlad, at ating itanghal, gagong lipunan!”

Of course, the boss there told the police to arrest them for maligning the New Society. When the police were about to handcuff them, one of the old men shouted at the top of his voice: “Gakit,” while raising his sharpened bolo: “Wala naman kaming garil. May buneng (bolo) lang ako. Gago pa. Huwag ninyo sana kunin. Gago talaga ito. Mahal pa. Ginili ko ng five pesos.”

Fact or fiction, the old man reportedly sent them home after giving them money and telling them not to talk to anyone in Manila or they could get into big trouble. “Gakit”, the old man asked again, so the Big Boss shook his head and told his aides to charter a bus to take them home.

***

In some if not most parts of the Cordillera, two tribes, although they are located a few kilometers from each other have distinct dialects. In the case of the Aguid people, a B is a G.

In Mountain Province, there is this town called Sabangan where an S is an H. So saba (banana in Tagalog) is haba (which in Tagalog means length.)

In Sagada, the D is Ch or a Tsh to the Bontocs. So danum (water) is pronounced chanum or tshanum although some Bontocs pronounce a D as a D.

The Sagada Kankanaey may be similar to the Tagalog as a B is a B. so Laban, Laban, Bawi, Bawi.
When the text message came out, some Sagada friends were taunting their Bontoc counterparts saying they were fighting for their huts. A fawi in Bontoc means a hut where palay, camote or other materials are stored.

***

The Bontocs, though they were generally known to be rough in the olden days now know how to make fun of themselves. There is this story about a tourist who came from Sagada to Bontoc. (The two towns are 19 km away.) The backpacker was asking: “Hey man, where is the way to Banaue?” One of the istambays shouted back at him: “Ischi man, ischi man (There, there.) “Man” is an adjunct to sentences, a meaningless expression like pucha or tangina to the Tagalogs.

***

The people of Kiangan in Ifugao have often complained why every time there is a joke, other Cordillera tribal folk say: “Kiangan ka talaga.” But if you hear them talk, often, there is a hidden or subtle joke or hyperbole in their sentences they say with a straight face.

***

Now, a Kiangan story. There is this story about an old man from Kiangan who was about to board a bus bound to Baguio. The conductor asked him: “Papanam (Where are you going?” So the old man shot back: “Sheka met Apo Conductor, ket idta uneg (Come on Mr. Conductor, of course, inside.)

The conductor asked for his fare but the old man told him he didn’t have any money so could he please pay on arrival?

The conductor got mad so he told him: “Kayat mo ta puncherek ti lapayag mo (Would you like your ears to be gored?)” while holding the ticket puncher.

The old man shot back: “Wen garud, pati maysa nga lapayag tapnu return trip (Ok, please include the other ear so that I will have a return trip.)

***

While in Baguio, the old man went to Burnham Park grounds to relax and view city life. He smoked a cigar and when he finished it, threw the butt on the ground. A policeman saw him so he told him: “Apay haan mo ammo bawal agibelleng ti sigarilyo no han nga trash can (Don’t you know, it is against the law to throw cigarette butts elsewhere except a trash can?)” A city ordinance prohibits throwing trash on city streets.

The old man, fearing he would be jailed immediately stamped his gnarled foot on the cigar concealing it and told the policeman: “Awan met sigarilyok (I don’t have a cigarette.)”

***

The policeman told him “Ingatom sakam (Put up your foot.)” The old man put up his other foot saying: “Kitam, awan sigarilyo (See there is no cigarette?) The policeman said: “Dijay maysa nga saka (The other foot.)” So the old man said: “Sika met apo polis, di matumbaak (Come on Mr. Policeman, I will fall down.”

The policeman, at a loss wagged his head and walked away. Later, the old man felt the need to urinate after a long time sitting at the makeshift dap-ay at Melvin Jones football grounds made by the Baguio Arts Guild.

Since he didn’t know how to read or write, he went to the Ladies Room inside the comfort room beside Solibao Restaurant. The watcher saw him and said: “Bawal umuneg idta, para babai lang dayta (It is forbidden to go inside that room. That is for ladies.)” The old man with a poker face told him: “Ket para babai met daytoy (But this is for women) while wagging his g-string.

***

The old man had a lot of adventures while in Baguio but got homesick. So he went to the public market to buy something to bring home and saw an ice block.

“Mayat daytoy nga pag asaan buneng a. (This is a good bolo sharpener.) He bought one and asked the bus conductor to put it at the baggage compartment beside the wheel.

When he arrived home, he asked the conductor to open the compartment but the ice turned to water. He told the conductor, “Inya metten tinakaw da jay pag asaan, inisbuan da pay nagkabilak.” (The stole my bolo sharpener and even urinated where I put it.)

As the story goes, he vowed never to go again to the city where the people have to dress up like peacocks every day.

***

Anyway, it isn’t surprising why in Banaue, there is this comfort room with a sign which says “He Or She But Not Together.” I wonder if the sign is still there or replaced with a “He or She but Still Together.”

So if you encounter somebody with that peculiar D, CH or S or sheman, sheman twang, better ask where he comes from. He could be a shy Ibaloi and you didn’t see him drunk yet. Both of you could be in for some trouble or misunderstanding without your knowing it.

No offense meant for these jokes. Just brain fatigue seeing all these government clowns on TV. 

(Yours Truly actually wrote this piece for this space in 2008. Sorry for the reprint, but sometimes, time just eats one up. How time flies but, circumstances still remain the same particularly now that the poll season is heating up).