Numero Uno

PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz

My undercover agent in Northern California just came back from the Philippines and told a story. He said that after prez Gloria Arroyo passed away, hubby Mike Arroyo was despondent and decided to look for her. First, he went to Hell but Satan told him that Gloria wasn’t there.

He went to Purgatory and the caretaker told him Gloria wasn’t there. Then, he went to Heaven and asked St. Peter if he could see her. St. Peter looked at the roster and couldn’t find Gloria’s name. He told Mike, “Nope, Gloria’s not here.” Mike was perplexed and said, “but she’s not in Hell or Purgatory, so she must be in Heaven?” “Well, you see Mike,” replied St. Peter, “the reason you couldn’t find Gloria is because she doesn’t have a soul.” Duh?

News item: “Erap faces arrest if he runs in 2010 polls.” Why don’t they let him run and win? Then after a year as president, they can depose him… again. With Erap and Sen. Manny Villar in a dead heat in recent polls, many presidential wannabes are presenting themselves to be Erap’s running mate.

But he should stay away from Sen. Loren Legarda. He’s paranoid that women always want to be “Numero Uno.” I don’t blame him. The first time he was president, his vice president Gloria Arroyo wanted to be “Numero Uno” so she kicked him out of office. And all his wives want to be his “Numero Uno.” Hesusmariahosep!

Erap announced that he’s 99.99% sure that he’s going to run for prez. Not so fast, Erap! Gloria threatened to arrest him if he runs again. However, Gloria should be careful cuz if Erap wins, it’s going to be payback time… and jail time for Gloria. Like they say in Manila, “Lintik lang ang walang ganti.”

The Liberal Party has a big problem! If Sen. Noynoy Aquino decides to enter the presidential derby, he has to square it off with Sen. Mar Roxas who has laid claim to the party’s nomination a year ago. Would each of them settle to be the veep of the other? I don’t think so. Each of them have probably been talking with Erap as his running mate.

Why not? If Erap wins, whoever ends up as his veep will have a very good chance of taking over the presidency within a year. Yep, it’s the “Numero Uno” syndrome!
News headline: “Ramos rains barbs on GMA.” Finally, the honeymoon -- the longest in history -- between Ramos and Gloria is coming to an end. Ramos should have ended it in 2005 after the “Hello Garci” scandal. This signals the start of the “proxy war” between Ramos’ and Gloria’s secret candidates.

Gloria responded by inviting Vice President Noli De Castro to join PALAKA -- officially known as Lakas-Kampi- CMD -- so he could be considered as the party’s standard bearer in next year’s elections. To make her point, Gloria said that Noli would make a “good” president. It looks like Ramos’ endorsement of Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro a month ago turned out to be a “kiss of doom.”

But if Gloria anoints Noli, it would be tantamount to a “kiss of death.” No wonder Noli didn’t accept Gloria’s invitation. And people would think that Noli is dumb? Hoy, mali kayo, may utak si Noli!” (Hey, you’re all wrong, Noli has brains!) However, Gibo said that as far as he is concerned, Gloria has not made a decision yet. But it is not a question of whether Gloria has made a decision or not, the question is whether Noli has accepted Gloria’s invitation or not. And I thought Gibo has brains! Hmmm…

Meanwhile, Bayani Fernando is confident of Gloria’s endorsement saying that Gloria’s endorsement is in the bag. Yeah, it’s in the bag alright… Noli’s bag. Stop dreaming, Bayani. For once be a real “bayani” -- a hero -- and do a good job of what you’re elected to do -- clean up the stink in Metro Manila! Then you can run for president.

Finally, the truth is out: Gloria told Obama at their tete-a-tete at the Oval Office that she’s stepping down on June 30, 2010. “But I will be working until the last minute on issues that matter,” she told him. James Macaquecquec heard from his source in the White House that by 11:59 p.m. on her last day in office, Gloria and her family will be in a U.S. Air Force plane ready to bring them to Gloria’s “Enchanted Kingdom” in Portugal. Well, that’s better than Hawaii where Uncle Sam dumped Marcos years ago.
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“Palin is a sociopath, shouldn’t have authority in public policy,” says a news item. Holy goat! And Sarah almost became “Numero Uno” in waiting!

In a recent poll taken, “63% of all Americans with favorable opinion of Sarah Palin are Birthers.” Birthers are those who insist that President Obama was born in Kenya. However, my investigative reporter, James Macaquecquec, found out that 32% of the respondents believe that Sarah was born in Russia. The incontrovertible evidence was the birth certificate she posted in the Internet to prove that she was born in Alaska -- it was written in Cyrillic script. Da?

“How about the other 5%,” I asked James. “This group believes that John McCain was not born in Panama Canal, which was then a US territory, but in the Republic of Panama,” James explained. I said, “Who cares, at his age he’s not going to run for president again.” James explained, “McCain has been going around with his own version of healthcare insurance.”
“So?” I asked. James replied, “Well, McCain’s health insurance plan covers ‘from erection to reincarnation.’ People are saying that he’s thinking ahead into his next life.” Wow! He still dreams of becoming “Numero Uno.”

News item: "Obama also confessed recently that one of his biggest pet peeves is what he calls 'the shine police' — aides and makeup artists who powder his face before he does television." They got it made, that’s easy. Could you imagine if McCain won? They’d have a real challenge in making over all his wrinkles.

James showed me a copy of an unpublished survey of American senior citizens’ reaction to Obama’s prescription plan. According to the survey, 99% of seniors are happy with the way it is. The reason is that they’re getting cheap viagra from Canadian pharmacies in the Internet. And they don’t need a doctor’s prescription. That just proves that Canadian socialized medicine works wonders! (PerryDiaz@gmail. com)