Words to live and laugh by

G-SPAT
Grace Bandoy

“The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by obvious realities. We need men and women who can dream of things that never were.” —John F. Kennedy
“When you cease to dream you cease to live.” —Malcolm S. Forbes
“If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember this whole thing was started by a mouse.” —Walt Disney
“Cherish your visions and your dreams, as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate accomplishments.” —Napoleon Hill
“One of the early signs of sophistication is not giving way to all inclinations, but rather, sending your emotions to school so they will learn how to behave.” —Jim Rohn
“Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” —Benjamin Disraeli
“When you develop your ability to balance your emotions, unexpected problems won’t knock you off balance as easily, and you’ll return more quickly to a positive outlook.” —Peggy McColl
“One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets go, one soon loses control of the head too.” —Nietzsche
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Tatay: Anak, tubig nga.
Anak: Mineral o distilled?
Tatay: Mineral.
Anak: Malamig o hindi?
Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tingting?
Tatay: Lintik ka!
***
Ale: Doc, meron po akong brownish discharge. Parang na- infect.
Duktor: Gaano kadalas ka mag-sex?
Ale: Once a year po.
Duktor: Ahh, hindi yan infection, Kalawang yan!
***
CENSUS officer: Mrs, ilan bang anak nyo?
MRS: 14 po.
CENSUS: Ang dami naman! Di ba kayo gumagamit ng pills, condom, withdrawal o rhythm?
MRS: Hindi po, kwan lang po ng mister ko talaga!
***
Loi: "Love, may mga friends ako na nagpa-enhance ng boobs. Okey lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?
Erap: "Ewan ko, parang hindi yata bagay sa'yo ang tatlong suso!!!"
***
Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.
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WIFE: Doc, bakit lumalabas ang mga ugat sa bird ng mister ko?
DOC: Varicose veins yon!
WIFE: Anong cause nun?
DOC: Pareho din sa legs mo....pag laging nakatayo!!!
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Guro: Ano dapat gawin pag may lindol?
Boy: Buksan po ang ilaw!
Guro: Bakit?
Boy: Kasi po sa bahay kubo namin, madalas lumindol kapag gabi, pero pag-switch ko po ng ilaw, biglang tumitigil!
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BADING na may binili sa Mercury Drug Store............
Bading: Miss, may XXL ba kayo na condom?
Miss: Meron po, bibili ba kayo?
Bading: Hindi, aabangan ko ang bibili nyan!
“””
Isang ale to another: How do you make your husband punctual in coming home from work?
Second ale: Simple........ I tell him sex will start at exactly 9 pm, with or without him!!!
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ANAK: 'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ilaw ng tahanan. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang ama ang taga-pundi ng ilaw!