Good news, bad news

PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz

Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang reported to President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III. The conversation went this way:

Ricky: Sir, I have good news and bad news.
P-Noy: Why does good news always come with bad news? Okay, what’s the good news?
Ricky: Sir, the warship that you ordered to patrol the Spratly islands is already there.
P-Noy: Very good! And what’s the bad news?
Ricky: Well, sir, ah… the bad news is China is going to send its new aircraft carrier to the Spratlys for a test run and I’m afraid she might use our warship for target practice.
P-Noy: Ay naku! Maloloko ako! Can’t you think of something that can pass for good news? Puro na lang bad news! It’s giving me headaches!
Ricky: Well, sir, I think I have some very good news for you.
P-Noy: It better be good! Shoot!
Ricky: Remember that beautiful chick you met during your state visit in Brunei who you invited to visit you at Malacañang? Well, sir, I got a text message from her thanking you for the invitation. She said that she’s excited and is looking forward to it.
P-Noy: Hooray! You made my day, Ricky. That’s great! What else did she say? Did she say she likes me? He he he…
Ricky: Well, sir… the bad news is… I think it’s bad news… uh… she wants to bring the Sultan of Brunei with her.
P-Noy: There’s nothing wrong with that. Actually, that’s good news! We’ll reciprocate and give the Sultan a royal treatment and send him on a tour of Mindanao while I’ll take her on a tour of Luzon, just the two of us. He he he… What do you think?
Ricky: Sir, I think that’s going to be a… ahem… problem.
P-Noy: Are you kidding? Why?
Ricky: Well, sir… ah… the bad news is – she’s the Sultan’s favorite wife!
P-Noy: Ay naku! Talagang maloloko ako!
***
Presidential headaches… P-Noy is having headaches these days because there are two or three of his Cabinet members who have brought him nothing but problems and “bad news.” Why can’t P-Noy just fire these bearers of “bad news”? I asked my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec to find who they are. James said that they’re P-Noy’s “shooting buddies” and he can’t fire them cuz he’s afraid they might fire back at him!
***
Eraption… Former president Joseph “Erap” Estrada, who is known for his “Eraption” jokes, made the news about his jokes during the 40th wedding anniversary of Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago.
The news report says: “Former President Joseph Estrada was a successful comedian during the 40th wedding anniversary of Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, when he said the guests were all- ex this and that, but he had the most number of x's in his life, a local paper said.
“When he spoke at the reception at the Manila Hotel, Estrada said, ‘Ex-ambassadors, ex-senators, ex-Cabinet members. There are so many exes [here in this party],’ he told the Inquirer, adding, ‘But among all of them, I have the most exes: I've been an ex-movie actor, ex-mayor, ex-senator. I've been an ex-Vice President, an ex-President. I've been an ex-detainee,’ said Estrada.
“ ‘And lastly, I'm now an ex-convict,’ said Estrada.”
***
Jojo and Glo… Miriam paired vice president Jejomar “Jojo” Binay with former president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo during the processional at her 40th wedding anniversary. James Macaquecquec reported that he was able to lip-read the pair’s conversation, which went this way:
Glo: Jojo, aren’t you bored with your job as vice president?
Jojo: Oo nga, eh. It’s really boring. You probably were bored too when you’re Erap’s vice president, di ba?
Glo: Ay naku, bored na bored talaga. That’s why I ousted Erap in 2001 and took over the presidency.
Jojo: Ousted? Hmm…
Glo: Hey, if you want I can show you how I did it. It’s easy… 1, 2, 3… just like that.
Jojo: Easy, 1, 2, 3… just like that, ha? Hmm…
Glo: I’ll show it to you… on one condition.
Jojo: How is that?
Glo: Promise me that when you have ousted P-Noy and become president, you’ll throw away all those plunder charges that P-Noy is accusing me of.
Jojo: You know what, Glo?
Glo: Go on, my friend. I’m listening.
Jojo: First of all, I am not your friend. Secondly, I don’t need your help cuz I’m not in a hurry like you were. I’ll wait for my turn in 2016 and if I win the presidency, my first act will be to have you arrested and detained like what you did to my friend, Erap. Thirdly, I’ll tell P-Noy of what you just told me and advise him to press more charges against you. And fourthly, you can go to hell!
Glo: Hoy, Jojo, ikaw naman. Dyok only. Hi hi hi…
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)