How to win a child’s heart

TRUTH FOR TODAY

Jun Malazo

"My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways."  (Proverbs 23:26, KJV)

One of the greatest and most tragic mistakes that parents make in child rearing is to attempt to  nurture their children without winning their hearts.  Children can be trained to follow rules, but external conformity will not last.  I have witnessed far too many cases where families break apart because of children that rebelled against their parents after reaching their adolescent years.  The main reason is because the parents never were able to win the hearts of their children.

Winning a child’s heart is paramount if parents expect their children to continue to obey and respect them.  Solomon, the wisest man that has ever lived in the Bible, believed that if he were to properly train his sons, he must win their hearts first.  I believe that Solomon understood that rebellion in children is not always seen in an open retaliation against parental authority.  Children’s rebellion can also be very subtle and quiet.  I believe the latter is more serious because it is indicative of a child’s heart that is not given to the parents.

Rules are important, and we must make sure that they are consistently enforced in our homes.  However, while diligently enforcing the rules, we must also nurture a relationship with our children.  Someone once wisely said, “Rules without relationship breed rebellion.” 

Parents that have won their children’s hearts have essentially won their trust.  There are many times that parents must protect the minds of their children especially at a very young age.  Part of this protection sometimes means setting a rule without having to explain the intricate details about certain areas of life.  When my boys were little, I warned them about the different vices that people fall prey to.  However, in order to protect their minds, I did not give a detailed documentary of the dangers of drugs and the type of lifestyle they lead to.  I just needed them to trust me.

Winning the hearts of children does not just happen during times when we have heart-to-heart talks with them.  Winning their hearts usually happens while they observe our daily living.  Our actions and reactions to everyday life situations are what will win the hearts of our children.  Also, our relationship with our spouse bears a heavy weight in our attempt to win the hearts of our children.  This is why most children of separated parents often have a harder time in their lives.

Children’s hearts are fragile.  Coming from a secular child psychology philosophy, Dr. John J. MacGee the following has been said about the delicateness of a child’s heart:

All children are like flowers. They need to be nurtured with great care. They are delicate and need our full attentions until their roots are deep and strong. The main nurturing that we do is to teach our little ones to feel safe with us and loved by us. As they grow in body and spirit, we then teach them to feel engaged with us and loving toward us and others. Without realizing it, parents and teachers generally give this nurturing, teach these life-lessons, and help children flourish. It is an instinctive act. It is an act of our hearts.

There are many ways that parents can win the heart of their child.  First, we must be an engaged parent.  When children are neglected and are left in their own worlds, they feel unloved and unworthy.  Being an engaged parent takes work to be actively involved in the lives of our children. 

Too often, parents feel bothered when their young children desire to just talk to them about what happened at school or when they want to show them an art project they’ve worked on at home or at school.  I understand that as a father we carry much of the burden of our family, so in turn our minds are often disengaged with our children. 

However, our children need our undivided attention.  They must feel loved by us.  The amazing discovery that I have made my own life is that my children’s demands for my attention do not really take much time at all.  I have found that when my children are little they just want to see if they are important enough for me to stop what I’m doing to listen to them.

Secondly, we can win our children’s hearts by showing them patience and love.  Carnal criticism breeds bitterness and anger in our children.  In Christian Parenting 13, a writer said the following:

Parents must be very patient and kind with their children. They are delicate. We must have rules and the rules must be enforced and there must be discipline, but we must never forget that they are children and that learning godly character habits and spiritual growth does not happen overnight. It is a long process. The parents must not forget the long and probably arduous process it took them to get where they are.

This is especially important for parents to understand because if we are not careful, our criticism can wound the spirit of our children.  Children often keep their wounded spirits all the way even up to adulthood.  Pastor Troy Dorrell said the following in the article he wrote entitled, “Healing A Wounded Spirit”:

In many homes, parents and their teenagers may not experience a close relationship in part because of an offense that created an injured spirit, which in turn creates distance. Most of us understand that dynamic in our marital relationships; hurt results in distance and loss of closeness. The problem with teens is that they often do not articulate their hurt. They often just keep it inside and little by little allow their hearts to be moved far away from our own, until one day rebellion, resentment, or indifference has taken hold.

Pastor Dorrell continues to offer a solution by saying the following from the same article:

The answer to this dilemma is simple but not always easy. When you know your child has a wounded spirit because of something you have done; discuss it, address it, and if necessary apologize for your part in their hurt. Too often pride and fear keep parents from being real and asking for forgiveness for poor choices or attitudes. Your esteem in their eyes will only increase if you admit it when you are wrong.

Lastly, parents win the hearts of the children by taking time for heart-to-heart communication and involvement.  The absence of close communication and involvement between parents and children destroys the type of closeness that God intended for a parent/child relationship.  Notice what a parent said about this topic:

             I believe that parents can reach the hearts of their children by having a relationship with them. That is, after all, how God reaches us and gets our hearts for Him. Parents in today's society have too little time for their children. Even when kids are homeschooled, my experience is that the majority of the homeschooled kids are teaching themselves.

My nine-year-old son is always coming up to me and asking to do something with me. Now, I can't always, but if I never took the time to say, 'Ok, let's sit down and play a game,' then he would want nothing to do with me because he would see that I want nothing to do with him. We must make time to put down what we are doing and sit down with the kids. We parents have to take the time to raise our children. That means spending time with them in God's Word and out of God's Word.

In closing, our role as parents is not just to modify the behavior of our children.  We are to nurture their hearts towards loving God and others.  This happens everyday as we fully engage ourselves in being the kind of parents that God wants us to be.