Post-Valentine Thoughts: The Cordilleran Way of Loving

By Richard Kinnud

As a Cordilleran, it hurts when others say the Cordilleran way of loving is “matamlay.”  Let me list down some personal encounters as well as observations shared by some friends that usually becomes the basis for such remarks: 

In family/husband-and-wife sessions, say marriage enrichment seminars or as merriment activities during family reunions, Cordilleran couples would probably be the last to oblige to a hug or much more a kiss if they ever comply to it.
In social functions, while the more romantic thing is for love couples to be seated together, the Cordilleran husband-and-wife wouldn’t mind if they are seated hundred yards apart.

While walking along public roads, the romantic couples would be walking glued to each other but it doesn’t matter to Cordillerans if they walk several feet apart.

A romantic thing to do in the morning is for one to prepare coffee for both, but for Cordillerans it is preferred for one to prepare his/her own coffee in order to have control of his/her own mix of coffee and sugar or whatever else to blend.

“Sweetheart”, “Honey”, “Love” are surely the passionate terms of endearment, but Cordillerans would prefer calling their partner by name or probably with “Mama” and “Papa” just so that the children could follow.

“I love you” is such an affectionate statement that couples should tell each other every day, but for Cordillerans it is occasionally said. The excuse of course is that action speaks louder than words.  I would even bet that the first “I love you” was said after the couple declared each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. 

The best dating place on occasions like the Valentine’s Day would be restos that offer a romantic ambience but Cordilleran couple if they ever decide to go on a date would still prefer restos they ordinarily go to especially those who serve “sungo”, “bulalo”, “pinapaitan” etc.

Given the choice on what to bring home for the wife or husband on special occasions like birthdays or wedding anniversary if ever remembered, between bananas and roses, the Cordilleran would most probably choose the bananas.  Well, it is still romantic though as banana is sweet and that it is the only fruit with a heart.

 By the way, if you are a Cordilleran and you think that any or all of the above is not true to you, it is very admirable.  Still, I guess that they are more likely true than not.  It does not mean the feeling of love is not there.  The Cordilleran way of loving could be compared to the version of donuts in which the filling is inside.  “Matamlay” would just mean the Cordilleran lover value privacy and mostly shuns the so-called public display of affection. 

 I still contend though that the Cordillerans are great lovers.  Here are also some personal encounters and observations shared by friends to back this:

The Cordilleran lover values the family of the partner so much thus even if it entails climbing and descending a lot of mountains and crossing streams and rivers to reach the home of the beloved, then it has to be done especially for lovers who only got acquainted to each other in the city.

Courtship in the Cordillera is not the ordinary dating that most know.  There are ethno-linguistic groups in the region that would require that the man would do labor (such as gathering firewood) for the family of his lady as part of the courtship process.

Engagements is not the ordinary ‘will-you-marry’ me question-and-answer type as most often it would involve the family circle and even the community.  The momon ritual of the Ifugaos is one example.

A Cordilleran wedding is literally and figuratively a manifestation of the song verse “when it comes to loving, you don’t count the cost.”  An authentic Cordilleran wedding celebration would require the butchering of several pigs or cattle thus requiring huge amounts.  Cordillerans will usually do what it takes for a genuine celebration.

Weddings are always a public occasions which is the other version of the so-called public display of affection.  In the barrios, everyone in the village is invited.  And in the city where most couples resort to wedding celebrations in the hotels, there is always a party hosted in the abodes of either the bride or the groom to accommodate those that were not able to join the celebration in the hotel where guests are usually limited.

The Cordilleran gentleman may not be picking flowers but most probably would climb the fruit tree for his lady.  There is a stark difference as to easiness between climbing and picking.

The Cordilleran couple may not be walking glued side-by-side nor seated together in functions but they see to it they are in sight of each other.

Cordilleran couples prefer to live in a separate abode from their parents especially when they have children.  Independence means being able to achieve more meaningfully and with feelings the lovers’ vow of keeping the affection “for better or for worse, 'til death do us part.”

 It would be observed that this way of loving is embedded in the way of living of the Cordillerans.  The cultural practices relating to courtship and marriage have been there since time immemorial with the unspoken language of love inculcated in them. 

But perhaps it is indeed right to wonder how many more generations would the cultural practices that have been preserved by ages be lived out.  Maybe some cultural structures are already consumed by modernity and foreign influence. 

It is still be hoped though that the values will be very much prized.  And hopefully it shall remain that Cordilleran whose heart is shaped by a profound cultural heritage be always a great lover to the max.  

(Author Richard Kinnud is supervising administrative officer – cashiering of Benguet State University)