Ace in the Hole

BALITANG KUTSERO
By Perry Diaz

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec told me of a story he heard. The story goes: Gloria Arroyo was applying for a permit to build her own ark. "You need to put two of each kind in it," said Noah, "so they can breed while afloat." "Oh," Gloria shot back with as much sweetness she could muster. "But I only need one each of my Cabinet, one each of my congressmen, one each of my presidential staff, and one each of the church men on my side to breed." "Breed what?" asked Noah. Gloria hesitated… then said, "Corruption." That’s Gloria’s Ark.

My other investigative reporter from Northern California sent me this report: According to Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo’s report to President Arroyo, donations from various governments for Typhoon Ondoy victims have reached P4.41 billion. And more are coming in. Hmmm… that’s a lot of money to build Gloria’s Ark.

I wonder if the Philippine government has established an accounting system to show how much money is coming in from donors and how much is going out to the typhoon victims. We just want to make sure that the kleptocrats don’t get near that money.

And the last thing we want to see happen is Gloria junketing again and dining in expensive restaurants abroad. The past year that she had been junketing, she used her P800 million contingency fund in addition to the P1 billion already budgeted for her travels. Gloria probably thought that the contingency fund is to be used when she’s short on shopping money.

Rey Arcilla of Malaya reported in his column that Gloria has authorized Romulo to host on Dec. 1-3 the Special Ministerial Meeting of the Non-Aligned Movement (NAM) on the Interfaith Dialogue.

The amount allotted for that event is more than P400 million!!! Holy goat! Where is Gloria going to get that money for this extravagant meeting! Madame President, the typhoon victims need the money more than the junketing foreign government officials!!!

And guess where Romulo was recently? He was in Paris attending the UNESCO General Conference. And guess where Romulo and Gloria will be going next? To Thailand to attend the annual Asean Summit Meeting. Reminds me of Nero who fiddled while Rome was burning. This time, Gloria is junketing while Filipinos are drowning.

Meanwhile, Rep. Satur Ocampo is renewing calls “to suspend interest and principal payments on the country's foreign debt and instead use the funds for disaster response measures.” Of the proposed P1.541 trillion 2010 budget, P340.8 billion -- or 22.1% -- is allocated for interest payments! That doesn’t include principal payments. Wah wah wee! Kawawa naman kami!
Presidential wannabe Sen. Manny Villar is having fun with Wowowee host Willie Revillame in three early Christmas concerts in Cavite. Wow! These two happy-go-lucky guys are having a good time while Pinoys are suffering from the ravages of typhoons. Wah wah wee! Kawawa naman ang mga Pinoy!

It was reported in the news that Willie Revillame is “Manny’s ace.” Reminds me of a poker game called “ace in the hole.” Willie might just be Manny’s “ace in the hole.” But Manny should be careful not to mispronounce “ace” as “ass.” That could be very embarrassing. Imagine, “ass…”?
Rumor has it that Willie is eyeing the vice presidency or mayorship of Quezon City. Well, if I were Willie, I’d rather run for vice president. What does he know about running a city government? Look at Vice President Noli De Castro, all he does is cut ribbons and attend funerals.

Pa bandying bandying lang siya! I’m pretty sure Willie would love to do that.

Sen. Francis “Chiz” Escudero turned 40 last October 10 but he decided to postpone his announcement of his political plans in 2010. The reason, he said, was so his party can focus its efforts on helping the typhoon victims. Well, at the rate typhoons are coming to the Philippines, Chiz might consider postponing his political plans indefinitely cuz he’s going to be really busy helping typhoon victims for the rest of his adult life.

Meanwhile, Chiz said that he favors abolishing the pork barrel system saying, “The current system poses a problem since we do not know where it came from or where it goes. I am in favor of abolishing the pork barrel system and institutionalizing line-item budgeting.” Wrong! We know it came from the taxpayers and we suspect it’s going into some politicians’ pockets. If Chiz wants the support of those who are running for Congress, he’d better not talk about abolishing pork barrel. They’d kick him in the ass for proposing that.

Did you know that First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s look-alike pal, Jocelyn “Joc-joc” Bolante, is running for governor of Capiz? Well, Sen. Mar Roxas, Noynoy’s running mate, is pissed off cuz Joc-joc has been pirating members of the local chapter of the Liberal Party. Mar should have known long time ago that Joc-joc is a real “ace in the hole.” And I’m pretty sure Mar wouldn’t mind people mispronouncing “ace.”

Hey, finally, Mar and Korina Sanchez are set to wed on October 23 at the cavernous Santo Domingo Church in Quezon City. The couple want the big church to accommodate their relatives, friends, and the public as well. A reception was planned to be held at the Araneta Coliseum but the couple canceled the reception and decided to donate P2 million they had set aside for the reception to help the typhoon victims. That’s about $40,000 -- twice the amount Gloria spent dining with her friends at Le Cirque in New York! Now, that’s a real wow wow wee! Bless your hearts, Mar and Korina.

By the way, Ombudsman Merceditas “Mercy” Navarro-Gutierrez -- Mike Arroyo’s college chum -- said that her office is still investigating Gloria’s $20,000 dinner at Le Cirque. She said that “the investigating prosecutor is thoroughly scrutinizing the case.” Well, the last time Mercy scrutinized a case filed against Gloria and Mike, it led to a bridge to nowhere. That’s what friends are for.

After months of dilly-dallying, former president Joseph “Erap” Estrada, who was forced to take a “leave of absence” in 2001, finally picked his vice presidential running mate -- Jejomar Binay. Erap said that Binay’s experience as mayor of Makati City made him “his best choice for running mate in next year’s elections.” Indeed, Binay is Erap’s “ace in the hole” who is ready to take over the presidency in case Erap takes another leave of absence. -- (PerryDiaz@gmail. com)