Interview with Mikey Arroyo

PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz

After several attempts to interview Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Representative Mikey Arroyo, my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec finally succeeded. They met at the Sulu Restaurant in Quezon City after the opening day of the 15th Congress. James: Good afternoon, Congressman Arroyo. Thank you for giving me the privilege of interviewing you.

Mikey: What’s good about this afternoon?

James: Well… we’re still alive. Hehehe… By the way, can I video our interview?

Mikey: Go ahead. Just make sure to send me a copy, okay?

James: Absolutely. I’ll send you 50 copies on CD. Well, let’s start then. What can you say about Congressman Walden Bello’s privilege speech?

Mikey: He’s an ace in the hole! Walang hiya! Anak ng jueteng! Tangnanya! Tamaan sana siya ng kidlat! Grrr….

James: Was it really that bad?

Mikey: Aba! Can you imagine this jerk accusing my mom of corruption? Que horror!

James: Well… that’s what President Aquino also said in his state of the nation address. Di ba?

Mikey: Isa pa yang si Penoy. He created a Truth Commission to investigate my mom. It’s a good thing he appointed former Chief Justice Hilario Davide to head the commission. Hahaha… Didn’t he know that Davide was mom’s friend? He will vindicate the Arroyo family! Hehehe…

James: I guess we’ll have to wait and see what would happen with the Truth Commission’s investigation of your mom. But let’s talk about you. What qualifies you to represent the marginalized sector of tricycle drivers and security guards?

Mikey: I’m glad you asked. Didn’t you know that I started driving a tricycle when I was only three years old?

James: No kidding?

Mikey: I’m serious. My mom gave me a tricycle for my birthday present. I drove it until I was 19 years old.

James: Oh, boy! You didn’t grow out of it, huh? Well, I guess that qualifies you then. Now, why is it that the tricycle drivers want you disqualified to represent them? They’re saying that you’re not one of them? And they’re very mad because you are going to introduce a bill in Congress requiring them to issue receipts to their passengers. Why would you do that?

Mikey: They’re no different from jueteng kubradors who issue pieces of papers with numbers to their betting customers.

James: But jueteng is different! It’s an illegal gaming business.

Mikey: Not anymore! My mom reintroduced the Small Town Lotto to replace jueteng and everybody is happy because STL and jueteng are the same, only the names differ.

James: But jueteng is still illegal, though.

Mikey: Who could tell the difference? Actually, the jueteng bettors would get more money if they won because jueteng pays no taxes while STL is taxed 25%.

James: But the latest news report says that the government may have lost up to P9 billion in STL. Why so?

Mikey: Well, it’s because the STL operators were underreporting their sales to avoid paying taxes. Get that?

James: And who gets the unreported sales revenue?

Mikey: Hoy! Who else? Use your kokote, okay?

James: Oh! I got it. Now, back to the tricycle drivers issuing receipts. I still don’t see the logic behind it.

Mikey: Look, my friend. What I’m doing is giving all the tricycle drivers the opportunity to make extra money by moonlighting as jueteng… err.. STL kubradors. They can use the back of the receipts to write the bets. We’re talking about billions collected from tricycle passengers every year. That’s lot of moolah, pal!

James: And what’s in it for you?

Mikey: Listen, they didn’t call me the “Lion King” for nothing, pal! Get that?

James: Okay, got it. And how about the security guards?

Mikey: I’m working on another scheme… I mean, a plan for the “sekyus.” They’d love me after I present to them my plan. Lots of moolah! Cuarta na, amigo!

James: Now that you mentioned it, rumor has it that your mom is known as the Godmother of La Cuarta Nostra. Is it true?

Mikey: All I can say is that my lips are sealed by omerta, okay?

James: That’s good enough. Well, thank you for the interview, Congressman Arroyo. It’s very enlightening, indeed. By the way, didn’t I tell you that I’m moonlighting as an investigator for the Truth Commission?

Mikey: Huh! Truth Commission?? ? Walang hiya ka! Papatayin kita!!! Hijo de…

Mikey hit James with a bottle of beer. I fell from my bed and woke up sweating. Gee, that was another bad dream.