Gloria in excelsis Arroyo

PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz

Before filing her certificate of candidacy for congresswoman of Pampanga’s second district, Prez Gloria Arroyo attended a special mass at the St. Augustine Church in Lubao, Pampanga which was concelebrated by 22 priests. During the homily, Fr. Roland Moraleja said that the people in Pampanga need the leadership of Arroyo. He likened Gloria to Jesus Christ who “went down to serve” the people. It sounded like the “second coming” of Jesus Christ… or is it the Anti-Christ?

Is Gloria the Anti-Christ? If you count the number of letters in the names of Gloria and her husband Miguel Arroyo, it’s “666” -- the mark of the Anti-Christ or the Devil.

When Gloria took her communion, my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec, who was near Gloria, overheard her whisper to the priest, “Thank you father, when I win I’ll make sure that the “Jueteng Lord” will increase your jueteng payola.” Kurakot!

James told me that word is out that a new processional hymn has been composed which will be sung in masses at St. Augustine. The new hymn is titled, “Gloria in excelsis Arroyo” (Glory to Arroyo in the highest).

James also said that Gloria’s son Congressman Mikey Arroyo, who’s not running for reelection to make way for his “dear mama,” will be placed in charge of church collections and quarry fee collections. Not bad for the new “Godfather” of Pampanga. Wasn’t he the reputed “Lion King” as well? Sounds like a kid in a hurry. Pretty soon he’ll be “El Presidentito” (The Little President).

Lilia “Nanay Baby” Pineda, wife of the reputed “Jueteng King” and “kumadre” of Gloria, is running again for governor of Pampanga, and her son -- “anak ng jueteng” (son of jueteng) -- is running for reelection as mayor of Lubao, the “Jueteng Capital.” It’s all in the family, folks.

Nanay Baby, who was defeated by Gov. Fr. “Among Ed” Panlilio in 2007, thought that Among Ed wasn’t going to run for reelection. But to her surprise, Among Ed filed his candidacy for governor at the last minute. This is going to be an interesting rematch -- Among Ed believes that the good Lord will be with him while Nanay Baby says that the Lord of Jueteng is behind her. Folks, it’s going to be “power of prayer” against “power of money.” Like someone once said, “prayer can move mountains” but Nanay Baby thinks that her money can buy mountains. Stay tuned, folks.

Former prez Fidel V. Ramos said that Gloria diminishes the stature of the presidency by running for a local office. But didn’t Gloria already diminish the presidency when she grabbed power from Erap?

Many people believe that Gloria is running for Congress because she has set her eyes on the speakership of the House of Representatives. Well, she’s going to have competition because Imelda Marcos is running for Congress to represent her late husband’s district. Although Imelda has no Ilocano blood, Ilocanos see her as an “Ilocano by injection” and that’s good enough for them. Ngarud!

The 2010 presidential election is going to be a “labo-labo” (free-for-all) among the 99 “wannabes, maybes, and nobodies.” I counted five “wannabes” -- Noynoy Aquino, Manny Villar, Erap Estrada, Gibo Teodoro, and Dick Gordon. The “maybes and nobodies” include spoilers and nuisance (“salimpusa”) candidates. Unfortunately, there will only be one winner and 98 who will be cheated.

Villar will do whatever it takes to win the presidency. With more than P7 billion in his war chest, Villar recently compared himself to US President Barack Obama. He said that he would be better than Obama in governing the country. Well, he’d better be better than Obama, otherwise the Pinoys are in for the greatest recession in Philippine history.

Villar said that “the next president should start working from Day One, not merely “learning the ropes” because the government is expecting a budget deficit of more than P300 billion by 2010.” It seems like Villar may have copied Hillary Clinton’s “Day One” line. But Clinton lost to the “inexperienced” Obama. Likewise, Villar could also lose to the “inexperienced” Noynoy Aquino.

Among the “wannabes,” Noynoy leads with a stunning 44% approval rating. Meanwhile, his cousin Gibo Teodoro is struggling with an anemic 2% approval rating. I’m not sure how Gibo is going to catch up with his cousin… unless La Gloria helps him with a call to her “friends” in Maguindanao like what she did in 2004 and 2007.

And at the last minute, Dick Gordon decided to run for prez with Bayani Fernando as his vice presidential running mate. The call themselves the “transformers.” Dick said that he and Bayani are going to transform the country. Yep, they’re going to transform the country from the “disenchanted kingdom” of Gloria into the “make-believe world” of Flash Gordon.

When presidential wannabe Bro. Eddie Villanueva was asked what he’d do in his first 100 days in office, he said that he “would immediately issue a presidential proclamation thanking God for allowing a ‘miracle’ to happen.” Well, that would take care of the first day. How about the next 99 days? He calls his ticket, “Dream Team.” Yep, it’s been proven that miracles do happen in dreams. Keep dreaming, Bro. Eddie.

Ex-convict Mark Jimenez -- who is running for president -- wasn’t dreaming when he said that he “would unify and come up with an agenda to make the Philippines a better place to live in.” Well, any country is a better place to live in than a US federal penitentiary.

“Presidential candidates reject law against political dynasties,” says a news report.

That just shows that the presidential candidates themselves belong to political dynasties. Watch out for Manny Pacquiao cuz this is one guy who would create the biggest political dynasty in history. Manny is running for a congressional seat in Sarangani province. Well, there is a second “Manny Pacquiao” who is running for Vice Mayor of Cebu City. Rumor has it that Manny II is a clone of Manny I. -- (PerryDiaz@gmail. com)