P-Noy, Ricky and Chedeng

PERRYSCOPE
Perry Diaz

Ricky Carandang went to see President Benign “P-Noy” Aquino III just before P-Noy clocked out for the day. The conversation went as follows:
Ricky: Sir, I just want to forewarn you that Chedeng is coming tonight.
P-Noy: Huh? Ay naku, naloko na! Do me a favor, Ricky. Please tell Chedeng not to come tonight, maybe tomorrow night, cuz Bunny is coming tonight.
Ricky: Sir, bagyo ito!
P-Noy: Dehin! Mas bagyo si Bunny!
Ricky: Sir, I’m not talking about that kind of bagyo. This is the real thing!
P-Noy: Hoy, Bunny is the real thing! Talagang mas bagyo siya kay Chedeng.
Ricky: But sir, I just checked with the Weather Bureau, they said that there is no bagyo named Bunny.
P-Noy: Weather Bureau? What are you talking about? Besides, the Weather Bureau is unreliable. That’s why I fired their chief last year.
Ricky: Well, the new chief is one of your “shooting buddies,” so he must be good.
P-Noy: Ricky, this is off the record, just between you and I, okay? My “shooting buddies” are nincompoops! I appointed them only because they’re my friends.
Ricky: Well, I’m glad I’m not one of your “shooting buddies,” sir. He he he…
P-Noy: Watch what you’re saying, Ricky. The only reason I hired you was because Mar, my “Chief Troubleshooter,” recommended you.
Ricky: I’m glad you still have confidence in me, sir. Didn’t you know that Billy, the “chair wrecker,” has been attacking me in his column? Would you please tell him to get off my back, sir?
P-Noy: I’ll talk to Jojo about it. The “chair wrecker” is very close to him.
Ricky: Which Jojo, sir? The one who lives in a glass mansion or the one in the Coconut Palace?
P-Noy: You’re funny, Ricky. He he he…
Ricky: Well, sir, I don’t really have any problem with your Vice President, Coconut Jojo. It’s Mojo Jojo, the Little President that I’m leery about.
P-Noy: Mojo Jojo will not be problem to you cuz I’ll soon be appointing Mar to become my Chief of Staff. That would neutralize the two Jojos. Two birds with one stone!
Ricky: You’re very good, sir! Very Machiavellian, indeed. I don’t think Coconut Jojo likes the idea of Mar -- his main rival in the 2016 presidential election -- becoming your Chief of Staff.
P-Noy: Yup, I know that Coconut Jojo won’t be happy. But 2016 is still five years away. Who knows if by that time we’d have a parliamentary form of government? Gloria has been working hard in Congress trying to gain support for a Charter change. That’s okay with me.
Ricky: But aren’t you scared that Gloria would be positioning herself to become Prime Minister in the event the constitution is amended?
P-Noy: Not if she’d be in Muntinglupa serving reclusión perpetua for plunder for the rest of her life. And guess who’s gonna be Prime Minister… maybe, for life? He he he…
Ricky: You, sir? Are you serious… sir?
P-Noy: Do I look like a clown?
Ricky: He he he…
P-Noy: What is that he he he all about? Do you want to keep your job, Ricky?
Ricky: I’m sorry, sir. Of course you don’t look like a clown! You’re pogi, sir! But how can Gloria be convicted for plunder when the Midnight Chief Justice is protecting her?
P-Noy: Ricky, everybody has a price. I’ll make MCJ an offer he can’t refuse.
Ricky: You’re good, sir. Actually, you’re the greatest! You know, I’m now a true believer of the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
P-Noy: Are you talking about me?
Ricky: Oh, no, sir! I was talking about MCJ. But it’s the other way around, he looks good outside but inside he’s… he he he…
P-Noy: That’s what I think about Chedeng, too.
Ricky: Chedeng, the bagyo?
P-Noy: No, not that bagyo! It’s Chedeng… short for Merceditas.
Ricky: You mean, Merci?
P-Noy: Same thing, same thing. She’s Chedeng to her intimate friends.
Ricky: But, sir! Isn’t she rather a bit too old for you, sir?
P-Noy: Here’s a lesson for you, young man. Women are like wine -- they get better with age.
Ricky: But some wine turns to vinegar with age, sir.
P-Noy: You’re right, Ricky. Yup, that’s why Bunny is coming tonight. She is stunning! Talagang bagyong bagyo! I’m planning to marry her before the end of my term in 2016. So, tell Chedeng not to come tonight… never ever, okay?
Ricky: But… sir. I can’t stop this Chedeng from coming!
P-Noy: Why not?
Ricky: Cuz it’s the other Chedeng. It’s the bagyo… you know, typhoon Chedeng, sir. And I heard that this bagyo is going to be worse than Ondoy! Sir.
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)